The paci saga

Elise is addicted to her paci. She suffers withdrawal symptoms: moodiness, inability to relax, I’m not sure if she hallucinates, but when I tried to soothe her with her pink bunny --all five pacis (not sure how to make that plural) were lost--she looked at it and began to shake.

Lately, she has taken to hiding her pacifiers. I find them in shoes, in cups, under beds. I watched her take her pacifier and very purposefully stick it in the corner of her crib between the mattress and the wooden slats. She also likes to put it in various rooms of Caleb’s castle—when he isn’t around.

Now I know why Nuk puts that warning on pacifier packages about how you are not supposed to use rubber bands to keep the pacifier in the child’s mouth. Honestly, as Elise let out a wail that caused my neighbors to grab flashlights and head to the bathrooms and as I was frantically tearing the cushions off the couch and plunging my arms up to my elbows into its depths (found the remote we use to turn the volume up on the stereo/DVD player when the VCR is playing) I thought, “Really, how dangerous could a little rubber band be.”

**mental note, I need to put that remote with the other six.

While in high school I had surgery (actually I was in a hospital). I remember having the oxygen mask on. I was told to do something like count and then the doctor said—and I will never forget this, “Okay, now cut her open.” Then all the lights in the room sort of came together and luckily that is the last thing I remember before waking up numb and in pain.

I think Elise experiences the same thing when I give her the paci. I lower the paci to her little mouth and once it is within three inches of her face I feel her inhaling it. Then her big tearful eyes become little slits and the irises shift from side to side and her body relaxes and she is quiet and oftentimes asleep.

Of course, I may be addicted to her paci as well because when she takes a hit, I feel a whole lot better as well.

She is one now. So I should begin pulling the plug on the paci. I don’t know if I can do it. I’m going to talk to her doctor. Maybe there is some sort of prescription drug to take to get us through this. A version of the patch for paci withdrawal. But most likely, that prescription? It would need to be for me.